Good backstory, breathtaking cinematography, AMAZING tights. 5 fingers way in.
The scene opens with our heroine, celebrity stylist Eva Lovia as she gets ready to dress Hollywood heartthrob Clive Roberts for an upcoming awards show.
Eva has worked hard for her career. “The life of a celebrity stylist isn’t all glamour and excitement.” Eva sighs, “I work hard to stay on top of all the fashion trends… And carrying ten trunks of clothes around town isn’t easy.” As any sensible, career-minded woman can relate to, Eva tries to never mix business and pleasure – except when it comes to her long time crush, Clive.
Like any good pair of star-crossed lovers – Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, me and that shoeless surfer who took me back to the van he lived in – there’s one problem: someone else is in the picture. This time rather than an overprotective werewolf, Jennifer Aniston, or some bitch named Emily, the person standing in the way of the object of Eva’s affection is Clive’s possessive assistant Laura.
Eva leaves the house to go get her man looking absolutely stunning. Seriously, how many avocados does this girl eat to get her hair looking so shiny? With her perfect peony pink lip gloss and her lacey black top, Eva looks nothing short of fabulous. Eva’s outfit is complete with a pair of thick framed glasses to further drive home the fact that she is a smart, successful businesswoman who is about to go get what she wants. YOU GO GIRL.
At the fitting, Laura is being as uptight as ever, trying to rush along Eva’s time with Clive. Laura even goes so far as to criticize the totally BOMB fitted sport coat Eva picks out for Clive. Our smart and savvy vixen won’t stand for this. Ingeniously, Eva mentions that she would love a cup coffee. Clive flirtatiously eyes Eva, and sends a disgruntled Laura on her way to fetch a round of lattes 25 minutes across town.
Laura hardly has even had a chance to put on her Christian Louboutin’s (JK, bitch probably shops at Payless) and Eva’s tongue is halfway down Clive’s throat. Magically, the lovers are disapparated Harry Potter-style from the living room to a stark white bedroom. And let me tell you, Eva is HAULING on that D. Eva works her way from stroking Clive’s dick to deep-throating that sucker like I’ve never seen before. Like a pro, Eva locks eye contact with her man as she licks, and sucks, and froths (yes, that’s right, froths) on Clive’s dangus. I’ll be honest that the amount of the frothiness exiting Eva’s mouth and coating Clive’s dick made me mildly uncomfortable. As the bubbly saliva poured from Eva’s mouth, I couldn’t help picturing a rabid dog mowing down on a rattlesnake. Nevertheless, Clive and thousands of viewers not so prudish as I, likely thoroughly enjoyed this glandular jacuzzi.
In case you were wondering, this is what a glandular jacuzzi looks like.
Luckily my personal low point was promptly followed by my personal high point: 4:43: THE TIGHTS. The best part of this cinematic splendour is Eva’s tights. These opaque beauties hug Eva’s legs like paint and go from the tips of her toes all the way up to the bottom of her ribcage, perfectly extenuating her flawless hourglass figure. But that’s not all folks. Eva’s tights have strategically placed holes which expose her Kardashian-esque ass and Barbie doll pussy exquisitely. Eva shakes her best asset at Clive, reminiscent of a cat with her tail raised high, coaxing in her mate. The star of the show (the tights, in case you missed it), continue to be prominently featured as Eva grinds her ass up and down on Clive’s erect member. As Clive watches Eva wiggle and shake on his cock, he moans and predictably utters, “Oh fuck, I wish I could fuck your pussy so bad.” To which Eva responds, “I think you should fuck my mouth first.” Oh great, more frothing.
I NEED THESE TIGHTS.
At least this go-around of mouth-fucking-fun features Eva lying on her stomach on the bed, ass proudly displayed in the air, perfectly outlined by (you guessed it) those amazing tights. (Seriously though, where can I get these tights?!) The head the second time around is much more aesthetically pleasing than the first. The director truly outdid themselves on nailing down these beautifully executed shots. I also think Eva’s heart was in it more the second time around. Maybe Clive gave the old boy a little rinse between takes. I mean, that would just be courteous.
Clive grips hair Eva’s hair into a high ponytail reminiscent of Ariana Grande’s signature hair style. Gentlemen, take note: This is an extremely sexy way to grab your girl’s hair while she’s slobbing on your knob. Your girl wants to feel like you care about her at least a little bit while you fuck the shit out of her throat.
This is how your girl wants her hair held back. Gentlemen, take note.
We soon cut to Clive licking Eva’s pussy from behind as she lays on her stomach, once again displaying that flawless ass. As I watch this scene unfold, I become distracted by Clive interchanging between licking her ass and pussy. That is a great way to get a urinary tract infection. Maybe the production team included macrobid and cranberry juice in their shoot wrap-party gift bags. I guess it’s not my concern.
At 6:50, we finally have insertion! Eva is splayed out on her back, legs in the air, with her small and perky breasts prominently showcased. Clive is on his knees, giving it to Eva hard as she ferociously rubs her clit like a shitty DJ ruining your favourite Nelly song. Clive then lurches forward and starts performing penetrative pushups over Eva. Man, this guy is fit. I swear he gets a new abdominal muscle every new scene. “So… fucking… good…” Eva moans as Clive melodically slaps himself against her ass.
We then cut to a closeup of Eva’s pale asshole as Clive penetrates her in the worst position in pornography. I don’t know what this sex position is called, so I’m going to call it The Squatting Sasquatch. Do people do this in real life? No, people cannot possibly do this in real life. The way Eva is splayed out reminds me of the time I walked in on my weird cousin sticking his dick in the Christmas turkey. Thankfully, that awful position is a thing of the past as we cut to some old fashioned doggy-style sex at 8:42. Once again, we can rub one out and not feel weird about it.
“The Squatting Sasquatch” in full force.
At 10:28, Eva is on top, riding Clive’s dick hard. At this point, you might be thinking with your pasty, weird-looking dick in hand, “Hey, where’s Clive’s assistant Laura?” (Okay, no you weren’t thinking that.) Well kids, hang onto your jizz rags, because we are about to find out! At 11:00, none other than Laura herself strolls into the bedroom, with Eva and Clive’s lattes in hand. Laura stops dead in her tracks as she watches Eva gyrate on top of Clive’s cock. This is where we get to the most disappointing part of the film. Rather than Laura attacking Eva, and Eva dramatically ripping off Laura’s clothes, leading to some sort of erotic, scissoring cat fight, Laura leaves! I hold high hopes that the director will see the fault in their ways and include this in a sequel.
Eva continues to ride Clive’s cock, as if Laura never walked in at all. Eva moans to Clive, “I want you to cum deep inside my pussy.” She says this not once, but twice! How irresponsible! Not that I want to think badly of Eva’s intentions, but Clive is a rich, famous celeb. What if Eva is trying to impregnate herself in order to blackmail Clive for money? Caught in the heat of the moment, Clive ignores all rationality, and fills Eva with cum as per request. The scene fades out as jizz pours out of Eva, and you clean up the mess on your stomach with a sweaty Iron Maiden t-shirt you found on your floor.
This film has left me with many unanswered questions. Was Eva blackmailing Clive for money? Is Eva on birth control? In 9 months time will there be a baby Clive rearing it’s ugly head straight out of the hole Clive Sr. so naively made a milky deposit into? What about Laura? Will she pretend the whole thing never happened? And most importantly, were the lattes still warm by the time Clive and Eva got to them? We may never know.