Porn Reviews

SHANDA FAY: Cum In My Canadian Kitchen

Shanda Fay is the Wayne Gretzky of Canadian Amateur MILF porn. Try to keep your sticks on the ice for this one, boys. I give “Cum In My Canadian Kitchen” the overtime in Game 7, Stanley Cup winning goal.

This July 1st, Canada is celebrating its 150th birthday. So in the spirit of patriotism, I typed “Canada” into the search bar of my favourite Canadian website, PornHub. When my search results popped up, I was not disappointed. As I browsed through titles such as, “Milking his cock on a road trip to Canada Eh!” and “Oh Canada! A Canadian Girl Cumshot Compilation,” I sat there like a moose in the headlights, scrolling through hundreds of options, wondering what I would ever write about. And then I found the Klondike Gold Rush of Canadian amateur pornography: Shanda Fay. As I watched this girl take a cock, I felt like Jacques Cartier washing ashore on the banks of Newfoundland for the first time on that fateful day in 1534.

With hundreds of videos on her site dating back to 2007, 44 year old Shanda Fay has a ton of experience under her belt. In the intro video on her website, Shanda markets herself as “Canada’s Favorite [sic] Amateur Kinky MILF.” Not to nitpick, but there are a couple things I find problematic in this title. Firstly, if she were a true Canadian, she would use the British standard when spelling “favourite.” I’m going to give Shanda the benefit of the doubt on this one, with the assumption that she’s trying to appeal to our horned-up neighbours to the south. If this is the case, I admire her business acumen. Upon further research, I’ve also discovered Shanda isn’t actually a MILF at all (unless of course you count her fur-babies as children). Frankly, this came as a relief as I watched “Shanda Fay’s Sister Sucks Off Shanda’s Man!” and worried about the psychological repercussions if Shanda’s children were to come across their auntie blowing their mom’s boyfriend.


The Canadian Icon herself.

Shanda is immediately appealing. At first she has a submissive, ditzy demeanour, but she consistently makes it clear she’s the one who is in control. Her confidence in front of the camera is captivating. She is playful, flirty, and not afraid to get a little silly, as she giggles and makes sassy quips throughout her films. What I’m trying to say is, Shanda, please invite me to one of your dinner parties. I can show you a good time. We can play charades.

It was hard to pick just one of Shanda’s films to write about. After perusing dozens of her selections, I decided that in honour of Canada Day, I would discuss the video PornHub has dubbed, “Cum In My Canadian Kitchen.” I wonder if Canada Goose is on the menu?

As with most of Shanda’s work, “Cum In My Canadian Kitchen” is shot POV style. As the film begins, Shanda’s boy-toy walks into the kitchen (behind the camera), as she attempts to prepare dinner. As Shanda’s man points out, “We’ve got a camera, but no groceries.” That doesn’t seem beneficial for sustenance. The lack of groceries is probably for the best though, as Shanda’s outfit doesn’t seem to be well equipped for kitchen safety. Sure, she’s wearing an apron, but really not much else. If she started frying up bacon, her money-makers would likely be scalded for life. These two might be better off ordering in.

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I’m not confident that this outfit is kitchen-safe.

“I got something for you instead of food. How about some cock?” says the boy-toy cameraman. Again, I don’t see how this is going to solve the hunger issue at hand, but I’m curious to see where this goes. As the camera pans down, Shanda tugs on the cameraman’s semi-flaccid dick. Great, am I going to have to sit through another video that should have been sponsored by Cialis? Thankfully, once Shanda bends over and rubs the mystery-man’s schlong against her fishnet-clad ass, he begins to harden. Phew.

Shanda sucks her man’s dick like a dementor in Azkaban sucking the soul out of Sirius Black. As Shanda licks and sucks, she stares deep into the camera. For a split second I worry she can see me through my MacBook Pro, watching her sexcapades as I eat Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia straight out of the carton. Shanda moves down south and begins to slurp on her man’s (massive!) balls like they’re a tasty ice cream treat at the Calgary Stampede. Seriously, this guy has a lot of scrotum. Shanda’s man is making rumbling and growling noises like a feral dog in heat. It’s incredibly distracting. I would probably have to mute this video if I were viewing it for my own pleasure. Alas, I must keep the sound on in order to maintain my journalistic integrity.

The scene cuts and Shanda rubs her clit through her fishnet stockings. “Fucking shit. Fucking shit, that’s hot.” Will this guy shut up? Shanda asks with a giggle, “Are you ready for some fine dining?” as the camera pans up to her DD’s. Personally, I’m starving. What’s it going to be, Shanda? Filet mignon? Caviar?

Shanda rips open the crotch of her fishnets and starts touching herself. I’ve recently had to start buying $6 Joe Fresh tights for this exact reason. My neighbour keeps ripping them off of me when we’re getting down. Just the other day, he pulled out a pocketknife and cut my tights and underwear off of my body. Hot, but expensive. No more Wolford for this girl. I should take a page out of Shanda’s book and start wearing the fishnet variety. They tear much more easily than my opaque tights, without the risk of getting stabbed in the throws of passion.

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Fishnet tights: No pocketknife required.

The scene cuts and we are treated to a female edition of my least favourite sex position, the Squatting Sasquatch. Shanda and her man are on her kitchen floor as she pulses up and down on her spread-eagled man. I am really digging this DIY camera work. Shanda leans back, and the Squatting Sasquatch position suddenly becomes much more appealing. It’s now less taking-a-piss-at-the-side-of-the-road, and more taking-control-like-a-bad-ass-bitch. Her man grasps Shanda’s ass on either side and lifts her up and down on his cock as he spanks her ass intermittently. Those slapping noises are sure satisfying. I am pleased I didn’t mute this hypothetical “motherfucker” after all.

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The Squatting Sasquatch in full force.

Shanda repositions herself so she is facing her man. As she hovers over him like a squirrel burying her nuts, the mystery man starts giving it to Shanda harder. His gargantuan ball-sack jiggles and shakes and slaps loudly against Shanda’s cunt. As their bodies have moved more upward into the frame, I make a horrific discovery: dude has left his fucking socks on! Guys, don’t ever leave your socks on. This is not a hot look, and I sincerely challenge you to prove me wrong. Seeing a man arse-naked with nothing but a pair of tube socks reminds me of the time I walked in on my grandfather being sponge bathed in the Alzheimer’s ward.

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If you’re wearing socks during sex, you might as well be wearing Crocs, IMO.

As the mystery-man whimpers that he’s going to cum, Shanda pulls his dick out of her and she tugs on it hard and fast. As he ejaculates, Shanda enthusiastically licks the spunk off of his member. I don’t blame her. Eleven minutes ago, Shanda was starting to make dinner. After all of this hard work, she must be famished. Luckily, semen is packed in protein and nutrients, and I have the cookbook to prove it. (Although, this appetizer may not be Canada Food Guide approved.)

Shanda looks playfully into the camera as she says, “Okay, now I’m not cooking you dinner. You’re buying me dinner.” I think we can all agree that you earned it, Shanda. And on that note, I’m ordering pizza, with extra Canadian bacon.

Happy 150th Birthday, Canada.

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