Porn Reviews

THIRSTY THURSDAY: Nubile Films’ Tension

Holly Michaels and Bruce Venture prove that you don’t need any fancy bells and whistles to create effective spank bank material. I give this mid-morning romp one stiff cup of morning joe, extra milk.

As I was scrolling through my Facebook Newsfeed the other day, a Broadly article caught my attention: “How a Fairly Vanilla Sex Scene Became a PornHub Sensation.” By now you’ve probably caught onto my personal interests, so naturally I had to click the link. The article describes how “Tension” by Nubile Films ended up being viewed over 60 million times on PornHub. What Broadly finds so shocking in regards to the popularity of the film is that the sex is quite plain, relatively speaking. How is it possible that such a straightforward sex scene became so popular without all the bells and whistles we assume people want to see in porn? No sybian saddles, no butt plugs, no vibrating cock rings. No anilingus, no fisting, no squirting. Just very straightforward bone-age, complete with some standard hand/mouth action. This is very high school stuff here, people.

The characters in the film, played by Holly Michaels and Bruce Venture, are portrayed as being a stereotypical, cohabiting couple. At this point I’m just relieved whenever I come across anything not involving a step-brother/sister/mom/dad, etc. (Who is watching that shit, anyways? Obviously a lot of people, because that shit is everywhere.) The popularity of this film has reinstated my faith in humanity. Maybe there is hope for all of you sexual deviants out there after all.

The film opens with Holly in the kitchen, fixing herself a bowl of cereal. She is in white panties and a skin-hugging white tank top, with her nipples slightly visible. A shirtless Bruce walks into the scene and grabs the carton of milk on the counter right as Holly reaches for it. They lock eyes like two wild bucks ready to face off in a National Geographic special, and start fighting over the carton of milk, aggressively tugging it back and forth. Why are these two so worked up over milk? Maybe Bruce is upset because Holly is lactose intolerant and is supposed to be drinking soy. Dietary concerns aside, Bruce is pissed. Holly cracks a playful smile, and runs upstairs, albeit rather slowly, looking behind her as she goes, hoping Bruce will catch her. I’m onto you, Holly, and I admire a woman who goes after what she wants. If potentially compromising her gastrointestinal health is a means to get some morning sex, Holly is a straight up genius. I bet she even swigged some Pepto beforehand, just in case she had to follow through and actually drink the milk. I’m not even mad; I’m impressed.

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 1.01.42 PM

This carton of milk is where the trouble begins.

Bruce takes the bait and chases Holly up the stairs, and straight into the bedroom. Holly jumps onto the white bedspread, and Bruce pounces on top of her. (I’ve mentioned this before, but why the fuck is everything in porn always stark white?) The couple makes out for, like, 3 seconds and then it’s pants-off. These two are super horned up. Who knew milk was such an aphrodisiac? And here I thought it was just a recipe for bad breath and an unsettled stomach.

Holly jumps right into it and takes Bruce’s two-toned dick into her mouth with a ferocity of a hungry mountain lion ripping apart its prey. It’s important to the plot to remember Holly never actually ate her cereal. Bitch is hungry, and she is taking it out on Bruce’s peen. Luckily, there is a lot to work with here: Bruce is hung AF. As I watch Holly aggressively beat and suck on Bruce’s cock, I am amazed. This girl must not have tonsils. She shoves the entire foot-long down her throat with a tenacity that would leave former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle impressed. Momentarily, my thoughts shift to a girl I knew when I was in seventh grade who could shove her entire fist down her throat. I wonder what she’s doing now? Making a man out there very happy, no doubt.

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 1.43.54 PM

I have a feeling she’s done this before.

(Side note: My friend was recently at a bachelorette party, the topic of sucking dick came up, as it so often does when you get a group of girls together. My friend was shocked when one girl remarked, “No one actually LIKES giving head! It’s just something you have to do,” and all the other girls, besides my friend (obviously), agreed! Excuse me, what? Ladies, if you don’t enjoy sucking the dick of a man you care about, you are clearly not doing it right. I urge you to watch this video, and more of Holly Michaels’ repertoire, to see how a dick is meant to be sucked. The passion and excitement Holly brings to the sport is contagious. Just merely watching her haul on a D in this video caused me to run to the freezer and grab a popsicle. And to the men out there: If you are with a lady who isn’t enjoying sucking your cock, perhaps it’s time to look within. Perhaps you have swampy balls, or an extreme case of smegma. Keep that shit clean, and I assure you, your efforts will be rewarded.)

Holly clammers up Bruce’s body, and he flips her over and licks her pussy. Bruce works his way up, kissing Holly’s body until he is parallel behind her. He takes his dick and slaps it a few times onto her pussy. (Side note: Guys, if you do this IRL, this is a telltale sign that you watch a shitload of porn. No one who doesn’t watch tons of porn does this.) With desperation, Bruce shoves his dick deep into Holly. Gripping Holly’s tit and clenching his teeth, Bruce thrusts into her repeatedly. As Holly moans, she grabs tightly onto the pillow behind her. Their bodies rhythmically slap together and Bruce gently chokes her neck. This sex scene is passionate, but relatable: This is how people actually fuck! As Bruce slams into her, I become hypnotized by Holly’s large right knocker swirling round and round. Suddenly I’m in the Sunken Place. JK, wrong movie.

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 3.02.59 PM

Look at Bruce’s face. Animalistic AF.

The scene cuts, and Holly is now on her stomach with her gorgeous booty prominently displayed. Bruce kneels over her and rubs his dick between her ass cheeks before seamlessly sliding himself inside. As Bruce hovers up and down over Holly, her eyes roll back into her head like she’s been possessed by some sort of dick demon. As Holly looks up at Bruce, who I can only assume at this point must be an Incubus, she goes fucking cross-eyed! The Incubus AKA Bruce gently grabs Holly by the neck and kisses her upside down. This maneuver was hot in 2002 when Tobey Maguire kissed Kirsten Dunst like this in Spider-Man, and it’s still hot now.

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 3.29.16 PM

Spider-Man (2002) flashbacks.

Holly backs her ass up so that it’s in the air and Bruce performs some sort of very impressive one armed push up to thrust himself inside of her. Equally impressive is the way Holly is steadily twerking on Bruce’s dick in a way that would have Nicki Minaj green with envy. Don’t be fooled guys, this move takes a strong core and shitload of muscle isolation. As Bruce gives it to her harder, Holly lets out a scream and grips the footboard of the bed.

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 3.35.11 PM.png

All this energy, and they haven’t even had their breakfast yet!

The scene cuts to a close-up shot of Bruce spreading Holly open in a shot that is, frankly, much too biological for me. Luckily this gag-worthy shot is short lived as the scene cuts to Holly straddling Bruce. The scene alternates between this and a close-up of some P in V action, as Bruce jackrabbits the fuck out of Holly. Bruce pulls out his dick and vigorously strokes it, adding to the animalistic passion this film so successfully conveys.

The scene changes, and Holly is once again hauling on Bruce’s dick with her long, shiny, raven-coloured hair swept to one side. Holly, if you’re reading this, please slide in my DMs and let me know what conditioner you’re using because, damn girl, #HairGoals. Holly takes Bruce’s cock between her voluptuous breasts, and titty-fucks him as she stares into the camera, and subsequently into our souls. Bruce sits up and pushes Holly down onto the bed. Damn, I like a man who can take charge. He spreads her legs, sucks on her clit, and Holly’s eyes roll back into her head once more. Making up for the unpleasant biological camera angle from a few minutes ago, we are now treated to one of my favourite camera angles in porn: the aerial cunnilingus shot (click here to see a review with A LOT of this shot.) Holly is splayed out on the bed as she moans and pushes herself into Bruce’s face. She grabs onto Bruce’s hair as she cries out and cums. The couple make out as the scene fades and the film concludes.

Screen Shot 2017-07-09 at 4.02.42 PM

The “Aerial Cunnilingus” shot

I would gather that this film has experienced so much popularity because it portrays realistic sex, but is still passionate and raw. These two have a very natural sexual chemistry on-screen, and both have very refined skills in the bedroom. As Broadly suggests, the maneuvers are basic, go-to moves, but boring they are not. These moves are tried, tested, and true in bedrooms everywhere, and Holly Michaels and Bruce Venture make it look damn good. Now if only the film ended with Bruce looking into the camera with a milk moustache, that would have really tied the plot together.

1 thought on “THIRSTY THURSDAY: Nubile Films’ Tension”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s