Porn Reviews

FOREIGN FILM FRIDAY: Cum Louder’s “Fucking with the Cook in the Middle of the Restaurant”

If you’re not a fan of subtitles, the comedic touches make up for them in this voyeuristic restaurant romp. I give this film one fresh (not frozen) gilt-head bream and several health code violations.

I’ve noticed that the last few films I’ve chosen to review inadvertently revolve around food. This week’s post is no different. Sorry guys, I guess I have some sort of deep-seated food fetish I was previously unaware of. This week, I’ve selected a Spanish film, aptly titled by as, “Follando con el cocinero en medio del restaurante,” which literally translates to “Fucking with the cook in the middle of the restaurant.” Frankly, everything you need to know about this one is right there in the title, but maybe you didn’t take high school Spanish, or maybe you were way too aroused to perform a quick Google Translate search. So go ahead and grab your Fleshlights; let’s break this shit down together.

The scene is set in a sparsely filled restaurant. Four people fill the tables – two men each dining alone, and another table has a man and a woman dining together. The server, a raven-haired beauty portrayed by Spanish porn star Alexa Tomas, approaches the couple’s table and says, “Good morning! Do you know already what you’re gonna have?” The woman responds, “Yes. A T-bone steak for me, please.” Is she seriously going to eat a T-bone steak first thing in the morning? Sure, it’s important to start your day off right with some protein, but a T-bone steak seems a little excessive. Maybe she knows her date is going to pay, so she’s ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. If that’s the case, get it girl. And in case you were wondering, her dining partner orders a gilt-head bream (which Wikipedia has told me is a type of fish from the Mediterranean Sea.) Fresh, not frozen BTW.

Alexa goes to the kitchen to give the cook, Pablo, the order. Pablo hands Alexa a plate of macaroni to serve to another table. First a T-Bone steak, then a gilt-head bream, and now macaroni. What kind of breakfast joint is this? Personally, I’m more of a pancakes and bacon kind of girl. As Alexa turns to leave, Pablo grabs her and attempts to kiss her. “I said no, Pablo, no. We are working. Leave me alone.” Shut down! But not unlike so many frat boys out there, will Pablo take no for an answer? Judging by the towel-slap he lays on her ass as she exits, I am willing to bet the answer is no.

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Will Pablo take “no” for an answer? This is porn, so probably not.

Alexa drops the macaroni off at one of the lone diner’s tables, and Gilt-Head Bream Guy asks, “Excuse me, can I have some wine please?” Now this is starting to sound a little more like my kind of breakfast. (Pro-tip: When brunching, always ask for your mimosas with the orange juice on the side. This way, they will give you a full glass of sparkling wine, and you will get drunk more quickly, while saving money! You’re welcome in advance.) After a painfully slow shot of Alexa uncorking and serving a bottle of wine, we see the resident restaurant perv, Pablo, peek around the corner. As Alexa begins opening a bottle of water behind the bar, Pablo sneaks up behind her, lifts up the back of her dress, and starts licking Alexa’s pussy from behind. I don’t mean to be a boner-kill, but this seems like a good time to remind my readers that “no” always means “no.” While this is a pornographic film involving two consenting actors, please always gain consent from your partner before engaging in sexual activity. Whether you’re trying to attack your husband with some surprise sex, or trying to put your D in a super drunk girl at a party, always receive consent first. (And BTW, passed out people can’t consent. Also ew, WTF is wrong with you if you think this is okay?) Consent is always sexy, and don’t you forget it. In an attempt to overcome this major plot flaw, let’s pretend the scene got cut where Alexa snuck back to the kitchen and told Pablo she was DTF.

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Really, Pablo? This can’t wait?

Alexa stands behind the bar, in plain view of the diners. Taken by the surprise of Pablo sneakily laying a lick down on her pussy, Alexa gasps and dramatically sprays water everywhere. The slapstick-style comedy of this scene is very amusing. It reminds me of The Three Stooges, if one of the Stooges was a super hot Spanish babe with her vag being aggressively licked. That wasn’t allowed on television back then, though. Alexa secretly enjoys the behind-the-bar cunnilingus as she awkwardly attempts to make it appear to all of her diners that everything is normal. Gilt-Head Bream Guy asks for some water. Fuck, this guy is high maintenance. (Also he looks unnervingly similar to my Uncle Paul. And trust me, this is the last website you want to see your family member’s doppelgänger on. Anyways, he’s my uncle through marriage, so it hardly counts.) Rather than serving my Uncle Paul, I mean Gilt-Bream Guy, Alexa asks him to come get the water from the bar himself.  OMG, WHAT IF HE SEES PERVY PABLO GOING TO TOWN ON ALEXA’S FIDDLY-BITS BELOW THE BAR? This is nerve-racking. Alas, he seems to somehow not notice, and returns to his seat seemingly unbothered by the fact his server was too preoccupied to walk 3 feet to his table to do her job. I sure hope this film is set somewhere where tipping isn’t customary, because Alexa definitely would have taken a hit for that.

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Gilt-Head Bream Guy being hella high maintenance, as Alexa’s tip plummets.

As Pablo continues to take Alexa down to Tongue Town, she can hardly contain her excitement. She breathes heavily and lets out small moans. Suddenly, T-Bone Steak Girl pipes up, “Excuse me. What’s that weird noise?” Oh shit, I think, they’ve been caught! But, as luck would have it, it’s just some running water in another room separated by a curtain. Phew! Alexa can’t afford for her tip to go down any further at this point. Especially since their food is going to take a while, as the chef seems to be a little engrossed in something else. Alexa goes behind the curtain to find the source of the noise and of course Pablo follows, aggressively hugging her from behind. I’m sorry, but I hate this guy. He’s pervy AF. Pablo, go take your sexual aggression out on the crack between your couch cushions like a normal horned up dude. For some odd reason though, Alexa seems into it. He must tell some really good jokes or have a hypnotizing dick, because frankly I don’t see anything else going for the guy. Luckily we’re about to find out about his D real quick. Pablo hikes up Alexa’s skirt, pulls down his pants, and shoves that one-eyed monster right inside. Hmm, not bad… Pablo thrusts into Alexa, but unfortunately their sounds cannot be contained. A cut to the restaurant’s diners looking suspiciously towards the curtain let’s us know that the jig is up.

The comedy continues as Alexa pokes her head out from behind the curtain to take orders from the diners as she gets ploughed from behind. T-Bone Steak Girl orders dessert, despite not yet having received her entrée, and asks for the check. I guess I don’t blame them for wanting to leave, considering we’ve seen at least two major health code violations at this point. Alexa disappears back behind the curtain and we hear some playful ass-slaps off screen as T-Bone Steak Girl covers her mouth in shock.

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Alexa, taking dessert orders, whilst being pummelled from behind. A+ multitasking skills.

Pablo leads Alexa into the dining area with his erection sticking out like a senile old man walking around with his hospital gown undone. The diners stare at Alexa and Pablo in disbelief, as Alexa gestures that perhaps this isn’t such a good idea. But Pablo, evidently quite the exhibitionist, quickly convinces her that these unsuspecting diners deserve a show with their meals. They start kissing as Alexa tugs on Pablo’s dick. She then drops to her knees and begins to suck his dick as their audience stares, unsure of how to react. T-Bone Steak Girl holds her napkin up to her mouth dramatically, all the while Macaroni Dude continues to sip on his wine as he takes occasional glances over. As Alexa chokes on Pablo’s dick and he playfully slaps her face with it, Gilt-Head Bream Guy and T-Bone Steak Girl whisper and giggle in the background. Surely, they’ve forgotten all about their meals at this point. Pablo gestures for Alexa to get up, turns her around, and bends her over a table cloth-clad table. Once again, Pablo licks Alexa from behind, this time with no bar to conceal the eyes of the diners. Although, the diners really don’t seem to mind the action. If I were in the same situation and witnessed my server suddenly being railed before my eyes, I would probably sit back and watch the action too. Mama didn’t raise no prude.

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Dinner and a show, just like the good ol’ days.

Pablo fucks Alexa from behind as she moans, “Si! Si! Si!” Muy caliente! Alexa lifts her leg onto the table showing off her pumps and her nude coloured thigh highs. The camera pans underneath Pablo and Alexa, allowing us to get nice and close to the action. Not a bad view from down here. Pablo continues to fuck Alexa from behind as he chokes and restrains her arms with his own. He then lays Alexa down on the table, spreads her legs, and goes down on her once again. At least someone is getting to eat in this restaurant. As Pablo sticks his peen inside Alexa, her blouse pops open revealing a super cute white pushup bra. It’s at this point that T-Bone Steak Girl gets up from her seat to come take a closer look. Is she going to join in? It seems like this might be the only way to eat around here. The camera pans closer as Pablo continues to give it to Alexa. When it pans back out, T-Bone Steak Girl has returned to her seat, albeit looking a little more hot and bothered than a few moments ago. Dammit, I always seem to find missed threesome opportunities in these sorts of films.

The two get up and remove the majority of their clothes. They’ve been fucking for, like, 14 minutes now, I don’t blame them. As the great musician Nelly once said, “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.” Pablo lies down on the table like one of those hot girls about to get sushi spread out all over their body. Except Pablo is not a hot girl, and we are being shown a rather unattractive straight-on testicle shot that, I assure you, no one asked for. This angle is unequivocally the worst. Alexa hungrily climbs onto the table and starts hauling on Pablo’s schlong. She quickly removes her bra, and sits on Pablo’s face as she continues to suck and stroke his cock. She then moves forward and lowers herself onto Pablo’s cock. Guess who’s back? The Squatting Sasquatch. If you’ve read my previous articles, you might be familiar with my disdain for this position. I’m sorry, but this stance reminds me of when I was a teenager drinking Malibu and orange juice in a field with my friends, drunkenly trying to brace myself to take a piss. T-Bone Steak Girl seems to disagree with me as she sits in the background fanning herself with her napkin and wiping the sweat from her brow. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Literally.

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The Squatting Sasquatch: No one asked for this.

Alexa gets as bored as I am with that position and lays herself in front of Pablo on the table so he can lift her leg and fuck her side-by-side. The camera pans in closer and suddenly the mystery solo diner, who we haven’t seen much from so far, pops up in the corner to get a closer look at the action. The camera pans out and Gilt-Head Bream Guy is checking out the show from the other side. Soon, all four diners are surrounding the table to get a better vantage point. The four diners are now discussing what is unfolding before their eyes. Aw, these strangers are becoming friends, brought together by this bizarre dining experience. This is a little different from the icebreakers I used to play as a student on the first day of classes. If my professors had used this get-to-know-each-other game, I probably would have remembered my classmates names a little better.

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Mystery Diner Guy taking a closer look at the action.

Alexa climbs atop Pablo and starts riding him. We have a lovely view of Alexa’s nude profile, until the camera pans to that unpleasant shot of Pablo’s balls and Alexa’s brown-eyed barking spider. The shot pans back to the audience, now sitting on their edge of their seats, anxiously awaiting to see what happens next. Pablo bends Alexa over a chair, fucking her from behind, before they move back to the table, and Alexa vigorously sucks and pulls Pablo’s dick. Alexa’s mouth is wide open, tongue sticking out as she receives his load into her mouth. After Pablo cums, Alexa smiles as she continues to lick, stroke, and spit on his dick.

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This profile shot makes up for The Squatting Sasquatch.

Because it’s 2017 and we can’t be witness to anything without taking a fucking selfie, Mystery Diner Guy and Macaroni Dude come forward and ask the two stars of the show if they can take a photo with the them. Alexa and Pablo shamelessly agree, and pose for the photo. Wow, these two really don’t give a single fuck! I wonder where that photo is being posted. I hope they remember to adjust their Facebook settings to hide it from their family and colleagues. Or maybe not… After all, my mom reads my porn blog. Hi Mom!

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This is going to get so many likes on Instagram.

The scene fades out, as we are left slightly aroused, hungry, and kind of wishing we hit fast forward a little more frequently on this 37 minute long video.

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