Halloween is the hottest holiday of the year: Skin is showing, booze is flowing, and inhibitions are low. To celebrate the occasion, I typed “Halloween” into PornHub’s search bar, and over 1100 titles came up. Luckily for you, I spent the entire weekend watching all of them, and have picked my favourites for you here.
Happy Halloween my little trolls and trollops. It’s been a hot minute since I wrote a post for you all. To make up for my absenteeism (sorry, I was traipsing around Europe, and felt weird “working” in crowded hostel rooms), I have not one, but THREE mini-reviews for you to peruse at your pleasure.
1. SEXY HALLOWEEN TEEN FUCKED BY BIG COCK
Pumpkins look like butts. This is a fact. I’ve seen countless images of pumpkins dressed up in thong underwear, or comically dropping a deuce on someone’s front porch to the horror and/or delight of trick or treaters. PornHub community member, RiskyCouple, saw this similarity as an opportunity, painted a big orange pumpkin on the girl’s butt, and went to town. In this 13:23 minute POV flick, we watch some big dick dude give it to this girl’s big ol’ pumpkin butt from behind as she gyrates on his dong.
I told you, pumpkins totally look like butts.
Pros: This girl has a very hot ass, and it’s very enjoyable watching her take control as she presses her man’s huge cock into her. At the 7:26 mark, she begins booty clapping in a way I haven’t been able to achieve after several years of failed attempts, practicing in front of my bedroom mirror.
Cons: The orange paint quickly melts off her butt, combining with her wetness, which creates an unsexy orange paste on her guy’s dick. Furthermore, variety is the pumpkin-spice of life. The entirety of this romp consists of two sex positions: doggy-style, and girl-on-top (filmed from behind, to showcase her pumpkin-bum-kin, obvs). I realize these are the best options to showcase dat pumpkin-butt, but the novelty wore off in under two minutes.
Rating: 2/5 Jack-off-lanterns, because it was basic AF, and exhibited the creative capacity of a kindergartener.
2. EXXXTRASMALL’s SMALL TEEN FUCKED AND FOOLED ON HALLOWEEN
We all know the story of “Little Red Riding Hood”: A young girl named Little Red gets lost in the woods on the way to visit Grandma. A Big Bad Wolf eats Grandma. Big Bad Wolf tricks Little Red by posing as Grandma. Then, depending on how censored your childhood was, Little Red is either eaten up, or a burly lumberjack comes and saves Little Red. THE END. This Brothers Grimm tale has gone on to be the inspiration for slutty Halloween costumes everywhere, because who doesn’t love sexualizing young girls’ images into adult Halloween costumes? Blech. Naturally, the porn industry saw this tale as an opportunity, and thought, “Hey, how about instead of killing Little Red, Big Bad Wolf fucks her instead?” Bloody brilliant, Exxxtrasmall.
The story begins with Little Red skipping through the woods in a very cringeworthy fashion (a grown-ass woman does not look right skipping like a little girl, IMO). But instead of the dense brush of the German Black Forest (where I like to imagine this fairytale was actually set), this porn remake seems to have taken artistic liberties and set it in a forest of palm trees and other tropical foliage.
Viewer beware: Some major artistic liberties have been taken in the retelling of this classic children’s tale.
Another artistic liberty the film has taken is the Big Bad Wolf is not a wolf at all, but rather Grandma’s caretaker in a wolf mask. As Little Red approaches Grandma’s, the Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma sneers, “She’s so dumb. She doesn’t know that I got her Grandma right here.” He then grabs his dick, shakes it towards the camera, and goes to lay in Grandma’s bed. (Wait, so he’s implying Grandma is his dick???) When Little Red comes in, Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma, (at this point, pretending to be Grandma) says he’s wearing the wolf mask because he’s cold. Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma asks Little Red to touch his “controller” under the blanket, which we quickly find out is not a controller, but as Little Red exclaims, “[It’s] a penis! Ew! And a big one too!” Talk about a backhanded compliment.
Little Red rips off the wolf mask to reveal, you guessed it, Grandma’s horny caretaker. Rather than slugging this perv across the face, Little Red starts stroking the Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma’s dick and says, “I’ll take care of you, if you take care of my Grandma. Under one condition: You have to wear the mask.”
Making Grandma proud, right there in her bed.
From there, we see Little Red deep throat Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma’s dick in a way that would make Grandma so proud. Little Red then rides Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma reverse cowgirl, before being choked and fish-hooked as she gets fucked from behind, right there on Grandma’s floral bedspread. The only thing worse than these bodies awkwardly slapping together like raw chicken being dropped onto a cold pan, is Little Red’s horrific sex noises. She sounds like a squealing pig having an anxiety attack on its way to the slaughterhouse. A word to the wise: If your girl sounds like this, she is faking it. Want further proof? At 6:40 Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma’s dick falls out, and Little Red continues her fake moans as she tries to shove his softening dick into her bone dry vag-hole. The video concludes with Caretaker/Wolf/Grandma howling as he ejaculates all over Little Red’s face.
Is the “fish hook” actually enjoyable for anyone?
The atrocious acting and terrible premise aside; what bothered me most about this video is the opportunity lost on a brilliant title. They could have called it “Little Red’s Clitoral Hood”. Or “Big Bad Wolf Eats Grandma (and Little Red, Too)”. Also, if I made a “Little Red Riding Hood” porno, I would have kept the plot mostly the same as the fairytale version except at the end, the sexy, obviously bearded, lumberjack would chop up the wolf, and Little Red would be so wildly aroused, she would fuck the lumberjack right then and there on top of the wolf’s bloody remains.
Rating: 0.5/5 Jack-off-lanterns, because 0/5 just felt too mean.
3. MOM XXX’S MOM GETS PROBED ON HALLOWEEN
The film begins with a horny housewife, played by Sasha Zima, hovering over a lamp (???), attempting to summon some extraterrestrial dong by repeatedly saying, “Alien, alien, where are you?” Suddenly, smoke begins to rise from behind the couch, and BAM! A big green extraterrestrial appears, stroking his flesh coloured alien dick.
It turns out it’s pretty fucking easy to summon an alien.
E.T. approaches Sasha and holds up his finger, to which Sasha reaches out her own in return. These two beings only have one way in which they are able communicate, and that’s in the language of love, baby! E.T. serves up a very tongue-y kiss, before Sasha moves down towards the alien’s testicle-less member. After hauling on E.T.’s dick for a hot second, the scene cuts, and the alien is sensually removing the housewife’s clothes while kissing her neck. Through much late night internet reading, I’ve learned that aliens can read minds. It must be true, because E.T. slides her panties to the side and starts licking her clean shaven pussy. (Do you think alien’s have a grooming preference?) E.T. then starts giving Sasha his probe, as she moans with pleasure.
If this film has taught me anything, I’ve learned that extraterrestrials are very sensual beings.
E.T. leans back as Sasha returns to sucking his dick, which now has suddenly sprouted balls. Perhaps alien balls only become exposed once a certain horniness threshold has been attained. Who knows though, I’m not a biologist. His balls are also clean shaven, which makes sense, since the rest of his body is hairless. (Wouldn’t it be funny if aliens just had these gnarly bushes? I feel like that would make an abduction slightly less terrifying.)
Sasha climbs atop E.T., as he lays stiff as a board, and she starts riding him. I have to say, E.T. has the on-screen charisma of a potato. Luckily, Sasha is doing a great job stealing the show as she is probed like a champ. I’m under the impression she’s had close encounters of the third kind before. She isn’t the least bit afraid, and really seems to be taking charge of this situation.
It turns out aliens and humans bone basically the same way; Just less scrotum.
E.T. bends Sasha over and gives her booty a lick. Huh, I guess they do this in outer space, too. E.T. slides his alien dick inside and thrusts Sasha hard until he cums all over her pussy. (It turns out space jizz looks the exact same as our own, BTW.) E.T. snaps his fingers and just like that, he vanishes. He doesn’t leave his phone number, he doesn’t leave any money on the night stand, nothing. If you’re looking for no-stings-attached fun, alien sex might just be right for you.
Rating: 3/5 Jack-off-lanterns. I could probably get off to this, if I tried.