Dear The Cummentary,
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year, and he won’t go down on me! He did a couple times at the beginning of the relationship (mind you, very briefly), but he has now stopped altogether. I think this is a very important aspect of a sexual relationship, and it’s one of the only ways I can achieve an orgasm. Help!
As the old adage goes, you are what you eat. But like every rule, there are exceptions. Eating pussy, by no means makes you a pussy. In fact, the most bad ass of men (and women) eat pussy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. James Bond totez eats pussy before slaying some Russian spies. President Obama, although busy with foreign policy and other diplomatic shit, made sure to always give his lady a lickin’. (Why do you think Michelle is always smiling so big?) And Gandhi, though vegetarian, definitely munched a fur burger or two in his day.
Cunnilingus is one of the easiest (and most enjoyable) ways for a woman to get off, so it bewilders me to hear about people who don’t want to provide this pleasure to their lady!
I could sit here and be like a normal sex and relationship advice columnist, and tell you to sit down and have an open and honest conversation with your partner, but I don’t fucking roll like that.
Artwork by Alpha Channeling.
Be assertive. If you two are making out and dry humping like teenagers, look him in the eye and say something like, “I want you to lick my pussy.” What’s he gonna do? Say no? If he does, he’s a total dickbag and tbh maybe you should find someone who knows what’s good for them. But seriously, if you’re not getting what you want, try asking for it. If you’re not comfortable being so blunt, you could try saying, “It feels really good when you lick me. Could you do that for me?” Assertiveness, although intimidating if you’re not used to speaking so directly, is extremely attractive. If this doesn’t work, it might be time for a more direct conversation.
Maybe he doesn’t think you enjoyed his previous attempts, and feels discouraged and gave up on trying. If and when he starts going down again, be sure to be very encouraging. Moan, tell him what feels good, and coach him towards your big O.
I don’t mean to be a bitch but, how’s your vaginal hygiene? It strikes me as odd that he used to go down on you, but he doesn’t anymore. Furthermore, you say the times he did go down on you before were brief. A good friend of mine once told me that he has an issue with going down on some women and discovering they have toilet paper flakes caked up in their hoo-ha. Although the vag is made for fucking and pissing, someone with their tongue up in your business likely doesn’t want to be reminded of the latter function. Vaginal sweat could also be an issue. Have you smelled your yoga pants after a workout? Ew. (Although my lesbian friend told me she loves the smell of her girlfriend’s sweaty vag, so maybe your boy is into that too.)
Anyway, the fact of the matter is it’s just polite to keep it clean if you’re expecting your partner to put their mouth on it. (Ahem, this goes for the men out there too. Ain’t nobody want your smegma up in their mouth hole). Personally, if I’m in a situation where sex might be on the table, I will be sure to give my goods a courteous rinse whenever I go to the washroom, because I’m terrified of potentially having the aforementioned toilet paper flakes.
Are you sucking his dick? As with most things in life, you get what you give. So if you aren’t slobbing his knob, why the fuck would he want to eat at your taco buffet? I’m not saying you have to suck his dick if you don’t want to, but if you aren’t returning the favour, I don’t see much of a motivation for him to tongue punch your fun hole.
Maybe he doesn’t know how. A friend of mine once told me that her boyfriend was horrible at eating snatch, and I’ll give you the same advice I gave her. VICE has a brilliant article called The VICE Guide to Eating Pussy. (Their advice and techniques are so effective, I won’t even attempt to write my own. Seriously, any eater or eatee of pussy should read this article.) I told her to casually send him the article, under the pretense of sharing it as a fun read. Say something like, “Oh my god, I just read this article and it made me wet. Check it out!” Guaranteed, you’re cunnilingus facilitator will want to put their knowledge into practice ASAP. (Again, unless they’re a dickbag.)
Do you have a sex question burning a hole in your panties? Please comment fill out the contact form below and I’ll answer it here.