Dear The Cummentary,
I know my man loves a finger in the bum, but we either have to be drunk, or I have to be sneaky about it in order to make it happen. Is there a way I can get him to open up about his love of bum play that won’t make him feel ASShamed?*
Ah, ass play. I remember first hearing about the asshole being a portal for sexual gratification in junior high school sex ed class. My eyes widened at the possibility that your poop-shoot could be used for things, well, other than pooping. I remember my fellow 13 year old pupil, Josh, shot up his hand and said, “But, like, what if you get poop on your dick?” The classroom erupted with laugher.
Although Josh’s question was punished with a trip down to the principal’s office, Josh had a very valid point. What if you get poop on your dick? When ass play is on the menu, this is a very real concern.
…Which brings me to your question, my valued reader.
First things first: Are you sure he loves it? If he is hesitant to partake in a little finger punch to his dirt star whilst sober, it makes me wonder if he actually has a secret love for ass play after all. There are a lot of factors to consider here. Perhaps in the past when you’ve done this deed, he was willing to experiment, but he found he doesn’t really like it. Or maybe he sees that you enjoy it, so he goes along with it for your benefit, despite not being so into it himself. Communicate with your partner to ensure your hunch is correct before delving deeper into it (no pun intended). You don’t want your partner to feel like they are being pressured into anything they don’t want to do.
Let’s put all that aside and assume that your suspicion is correct: Your S.O. loves ass play, no buts about it. However, something is stopping him from embracing the act.
It’s all about timing. As my aforementioned classmate, Josh, so brazenly pointed out: Butts make poop. Your boyfriend may not be afraid of ass play itself, but rather, he may be afraid of a messy and embarrassing accident. The times you have attempted ass play and have been shot down, may be because the timing hasn’t been right on his end (hehe!) Maybe he was doing you a courtesy in saying no in those moments.
There may be medical considerations preventing him from ass play. Someone once said, your asshole is a battlefield. (Hint: It was me, just now.) Painful things like hemmerhoids or anal fissures could be lurking down there. As much as he might want to participate in ass play, it might be painful for him to do so. This would also explain why he’s more willing to participate when inebriated, as his pain tolerance would be higher. Again, having an open dialogue about his desires and any hang ups might be your best bet in identifying any issues.
Ass play is a little taboo. Though widely enjoyed, ass play is perceived by many to be very naughty. As such, your man’s experience with it may be limited and he might be nervous to immediately embrace it with open arms (and open butt cheeks).
So, with these factors in mind, I leave you with the following tips…
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Reassure him that you’re just as into it as he is. Say things like, “That was so hot how hard you came when my finger was inside you last night.” If he knows you’re just on as board as he is, he will be way more comfortable to let you dig deep.
Work your way up to a finger. Penetrative ass play can be intimidating if you haven’t had many foreign objects inside your bum before. So start with some playful licking, as it may be a little less invasive than a finger. For inexperienced asshole adventurers, I would suggest initiating this in the shower to ensure cleanliness. (Shout out to my friend who got pink eye after a particular rimming session.) After making out and lathering each other up, work your way down to his nether regions, and then slowly make your way to his backside. Tongue his ass while you fondle his dick and he will be moaning with pleasure in no time. If he’s enjoying this and is begging for more, try inserting a finger.
Slow and steady wins the race. If he’s ready for you to enter a finger into his derrière domain, remember to go slow and look to your man for direction. I would also strongly recommend using a lubricant, and be sure to trim your nails beforehand.
Try a small toy. A butt plug may be a great way to get your guy into the idea of ass play on a more regular basis. These toys are designed to be inserted into the area, so he may find it a little more comfortable than a finger. Try having him wear the butt plug during oral or vaginal sex. Focus on the way you normally pleasure each other, with this little added bonus in his butt. And hey, why not try wearing one yourself too?
Remember: Get consent, lube up, go slow, and have fun!
*Original question has been edited for clarity.
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