… but it doesn’t have to!
The bright morning sun cascades over your face, stirring you out of your deep sleep. Your pillow gently cradles your face; it’s never felt softer. Your duvet, warm from the heat of your body, surrounds you like a loving embrace. Your boyfriend wraps his arms around you as he presses his body against the back of yours. You are cozy and content as you drift in and out of sleep. Your boyfriend pulls you in closer, gently caresses you and softly kisses your neck. And then it happens: His morning wood, presses firmly against your backside.
You have two options. On one hand, you’re tired. Rightly so! If you were alone in your own bed, you would be enjoying another hour or two of uninterrupted slumber. Plus, you had a long week and were very much looking forward to sleeping in today. On the other hand, you are feeling a little randy. Visions of shirtless Jason Momoa from your Instagram feed flash through your mind. As your boyfriend continues to nonchalantly rub his rock hard appendage onto your behind, you begin to feel a physiological reaction accumulating in your silky pyjama shorts. You decide you can sleep when you’re dead: It’s on.
With the best game-face you can possibly conjure at this ungodly hour, you turn around start making out with your man. You realize this is kind of gross because, ew, morning breath. Because of this inconvenient detail, your make out sesh isn’t as enthusiastic as it would have been, say at bedtime, when your breath was fresh and your plaque levels were low. Now, you are in all of your stinky breathed, crusty eyed, and sleep deprived glory. This is how you know you’re really horny, because none of that matters right now. You want the D, and, girl, you’re gonna get it.
You continue to make out, but you want to move on from this because as much as you love your man, he could really use a toothbrush right about now. You enthusiastically grab at him from outside of his Saxx boxer shorts. He hardens at your touch. Your carnal instincts take over and you delicately kiss his neck, his chest, his stomach… until you get down to his waist band. You pull it out and put your mouth on it. Suddenly, the repercussions of this decision hits you like a sack of bricks. You realize that you’ve made a horrible mistake: While giving into your lustful urges, you’ve forgotten that giving head first thing in the morning sucks (no pun intended).
Don’t get me wrong, I am a big proponent of performing this act. After all, it’s one of the best ways to make your partner feel good. But upon freshly waking up, orally pleasing your boyfriend presents a unique set of challenges you just don’t face while giving face at other times of the day. Here are the biggest challenges you can encounter while orally pleasing your partner in the AM, plus some helpful tips to make it more enjoyable for everyone involved.
1. You Are Forced to Inhale Your Own Morning Breath
Making out with morning breath is one thing: It’s a little unpleasant, but it’s bearable. After all, you and your boyfriend are in this together, tasting each other’s morning stank. When giving head though, you are dispersing your putrid saliva onto a surface and are forced to smell it over and over again as you work your way up and down. If you are using your hand as your co-pilot, it’s going to smell like your stank-ass mouth too. Basically, he’s having all the fun, while you’re inhaling all of the bacterial culture you’ve harvested throughout the night.
Pro-tip: Mid-make out, excuse yourself and give your teeth a quick scrub or give yourself a quick rinse with some mouthwash. This is a much better alternative to breathing in your own halitosis. I think your BF will be able to wait 30 seconds.
2. You Can’t Create Enough Saliva
Speaking of your stank-ass mouth, the amount of saliva you are producing is enough to make your hand smell like a bacteria farm, but it’s not enough to make for an eyes-rolling-to-the-back-of-his-head BJ experience. Sure, your partner will be appreciative of your efforts, but the fact of the matter is that to give good head, you need to have a plentiful saliva supply. The messier, the better. First thing in the morning, your glands just can’t keep up with the demand.
Pro-tip: The reason you aren’t producing your regular amount of saliva to satiate a nice, sloppy BJ is because you are dehydrated first thing in the morning. If you want to start producing saliva again at your regular rate, have a glass of water before you go about your morning mouth exercises.
3. Your Gag Reflex is in Full Force
I’ll never forget the time that I woke up, drank a cup of tea, and headed to the washroom to get ready for my day. I brushed my pearly whites, and then began to give my tongue a thorough once-over. As the bristles massaged the surface of my tongue, I began to gag. I immediately removed my toothbrush from my mouth, and doubled-over, gripping the edge of the sink for support. Woah, I thought to myself. That was a close call. I stuck my toothbrush back into my mouth, and as soon as it rested on my tongue, I projectile vomited my Lemon Ginger Rooibos all over my washroom mirror.
Now, I’m no scientist, but first thing in the morning your gag reflex is totally stronger than during other times of the day. Combine this unwelcome biological reaction with a phallus down your throat, and you are just asking for trouble.
Pro-tip: If your morning fun can wait, have a light meal before you start shoving foreign objects down your throat. With some food in your stomach, that pesky gag reflex won’t get in the way of pressing your nose to your BF’s belly button.
Bonus tip for the guys: Because of the added challenges presented with giving oral sex in the morning, be sure to be extra appreciative of your partner when they choose to please you in this way… And remember to consider returning the favour.